Old stuff from the MC days...

I’m never startled never shaken and I always stir up trouble when I go places

I kick up dust when I leave but they’ve always told me to kick rocks

Instead I live like an avalanche of boulders like a tumbling hail storm during the harvest season that causes a shortage of crops

My flow’s nicer than Thor’s golden locks

But I'm just a stringless violin told I'll never be a part of the orchestra

I sometimes question the reason for my existence

I’m reckless but not wreck less

There are many scratches and dents on this automobile of flesh and bones

Nothings worse than feeling like you don’t belong

Like you don’t even got a home, I live on the road, the Road to Zion

I've got a carburetor in my cranium and as long as there’s drive in my chest then Ima ride on

It’s always nighttime but my lights off

I don’t need them to see where I’m going I’m going to where the bright lights are

That’s why I always bleed my heart out onto the paper when I write songs

That’s why I always rhyme on till my saliva’s gone past when my throat’s sore even when the mic's off

But when I lay my head to sleep I dream of seven seven headed beasts seven days a week

My heart pounds like the rumbling of thunder sweat pours off me like rain makes my clothes moist I can’t move as if held by bolts

I’m alone, but I don’t know if it was my choice or yours

I look around it’s a nice day, sunny, shows how dilapidated the buildings are, funny, just like my soul

I feel the fabric of my shirt, its devoid of fluid, huh who knew a stringless violin could make such beautiful music 

Dear Blaise

I miss you. I’ve missed you since the day you left Miami. But now it’s just an empty feeling inside me that makes me die inside. I’m trying to be happy like you told me. There’s just no one like you here. I honestly can’t put in words how much I miss you or anyone else for that matter. Shawn can’t even talk to me because he says it reminds him of you too much. Blaise, there is no one here that I can fully trust like I trusted you. Not one person on this bloody planet knows me like you do. Yeah I know your probably thinking “But Bhavika, I’m dead why are you talking in the present tense”. Because you’re not dead to me baby. Never. I won’t ever forget any of the memories we had. The best one if I had to pick though, would be the time that you told me you loved me. Blaise no guy, let alone friend, had ever said that to me and meant it… It was the precious moment ever…for me at least. The day that you told me you loved me I was literally floating. Nothing could bring me down that day. Nothing at all, it was like someone had just told me I was fucking queen of the world. Nah, that’s an understatement. Know why? Because I was queen of your heart. You said so yourself. You said that I reigned over it with all the power anyone could muster. I miss you. Why did you have to go out that night? Why couldn’t you have just stayed in? I feel so responsible for your death that it’s ridiculous. Shawn blames himself, I blame me, and Holly and Chuck don’t know what’s going on with their family anymore. Was the Christmas gift you were getting for that important? Did you have to go and get it that night? Blaise why MY gift that night? Why MINE? You got killed because of me. Never, for as long as I live will I ever forget that. Nor will I be fully happy unless I’m with you. So here’s to those douche bags that took you away from me. I’ll kill them even if it’s the last thing I ever do, I swear on your grave that they will pay for what they did to you. But no, I won’t become a murderer or do anything too drastic or stupid. I know you would worry. So fine. For you, I won’t. But don’t think that I’m just going to let this slide. I want them to know what its like to have the most important person in your life be taken away. I want them to just hear the news “Oh yeah, by the way Blaise was murdered today”. I want them to be that devastated. I HATE this stupid as fuck act that I’m putting on acting all smiley and happy. It’s FUCKING BULLSHIT. There’s one person that sees through me like glass though, Jose. Remember him? We met him together when he was having dinner at Chuck’s house. Ha-ha he told us we made a cute couple and we denied even having feelings for each other. Sorry Hun, I didn’t know it then. As they say” You don’t know what you’ve got until you lost it.” I had love. And then I lost you.

The meaning of love...

The beating of my broken heart now chained and locked away.
I hear much louder, through the night than words we never say.
As hollow kisses turn to dust and fall against my skin,
I pray that I might find the strength to fall in love again.
Abandoned silence. Stripped away, discarded on the floor.
In the dirt, I bury hope that love leaves unlocked doors.
I am held, though never cherished, yet to be made whole.
My tears can wipe themselves away, but I must save my soul.
Bare feet, run, take me home where I am mother’s child,
And toward the pale rose sunset for a pretty little while.
If broken wings may carry me home, carry dreams, and carry me to sleep,
Take me far away from love and tell me what it means.

If You Can...

If you can look past what it's worth, look past the disasters
And dream about their smiles and laughter's
If you can trust and confess that there are no regrets
You see the sad shadow disappear and you will not forget
If you can not let go of everything and have that scar in your broken heart
There is no end, its endless, something will fall apart
If you can give memories and engrave the faces in your head
And forgive everything that was said

If you can forever continue to see always to replace the emptiness
Or lost amongst all the addictions and chaos, it is waiting somewhere,
You will dare to forever care
If you can doubt not knowing the truth but are willing to meet them
And as time passes, the lies you believed will fade
Just waiting for happiness and love, your feelings will change
If you can think about what you've learned, hate and death
Or think about your wishes and dreams while taking your last breath

If you can watch and hear the evil, bad and good
But can't seem to remember where it once stood
And never had the chance to walk the ground
But in another way, things for you are better than most deep down
If you can believe in faith and your life and see
The beginning of you, who you will be and more than they ever thought you could be
If you can get through your loss and be alone
But know that they will always be next to you at home

If you can see the world as it is and hope that one day it will be easier
If you can see more than all the ways we hurt, love , hate, strive, the slowly dying
Or the secrets still unwritten even if you never stopped trying
If you can clearly see that it's more than, fear, defeat, the beauty of the changing seasons
And jealous or weakness for all the reasons
If you can take the chances to promise and forgive
The wrongs that no one is paying attention to live
Or the last words of insecure goodbyes, you are not perfect, you are life and human

Can't Stand It?

No I can’t stand it. I can NOT stand being that girl that he just talks to as if she’s just another part of his mind. I can’t stand being so insignificant and tiny. It’s putting my emotions down. I can’t just be friends with this guy. He’s my best friend and nothing more .I can’t seem to tell myself that. He is hopelessly searching for the one girl who can meet certain criteria. Every time he mentions all the things his girlfriend needs to be my heart is screaming “That’s me!!!....but I guess I am too obvious of a choice you can try all the others, get hurt, and then come back ‘round to me.” I can’t stand not being able to be honest with you. I want to stop making up romantic interests for you to believe that I don’t love you. Even though I know that you will always be there for me, it’s not enough. Not enough for my heart to remain stable every time I see you. Do you not get that I need you right now? I understand your current situation: still broken from a love that you wish still existed or was at least reciprocated. I WANT to make you feel better. I KNOW that no one could ever live up to your first love. But I would do my best to keep you happy. I would NEVER break your heart, hurt you, or shy away from you. Knowing you like I do, I admire your strength. “Strength in what” you ask me. Your strength in every situation that life has put you through is commendable. Life has been the biggest bitch to everyone but especially you. But since you don’t know the powers of your strength let me tell you what you have accomplished. You have been loved and used. You have been stabbed in the heart ruthlessly as if with an icicle on a cold winter day. I never knew that I could like someone with this much force behind it. Every time I tell my mind to forget it because you are out of my league, it stubbornly refuses me and says “No I will not rest until he knows how I feel about him.” But it IS supposed to be “Mind over matter” right? Supposing that it IS. What would my next move be? You would tell me to talk to the guy but you wouldn’t know that it was you. So I wouldn’t be able to say “I’m talking to him right now” or else you would figure out and it would be really awkward. SO here is where I try ending this conversation before I slip up and give it away that the person that I strongly like is you. Then we refocus onto your life. And from there it normally drifts over onto your love life. That’s normally where it starts getting really awkward for me to be giving you advice. Because I am basically helping you get with another girl that’s not me. But still even if you don’t love me back as a best friend it’s my duty to help you through life’s worst situations and watch you shine at your best moments. So the last thing to say is:
I Love You